12 Aug 2019
19 Sep 2019
Link to this post
Last night I thought I was going to turn inside out from the
psychological cravings and had a full on melt down. I was on my way to a Fibre
Arts Guild meeting and there I was, driving on the 403, my sobbing interrupted
by my screaming that four letter word (you know the one), at the top of my
lungs. Arriving at my destination I wiped the mascara streaked down my face and
managed to get through the meeting as it was a good distraction. But as soon as
I got back in my car, the crazies were back.
I got home and informed my husband (who is truly a saint), no,
I don’t want to eat, no, I don’t want a hug, no, I don’t want to talk. All I
wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. As I lay in bed I
prayed … I prayed to God, to Buddha, to my Higher Power, to my dad, to my
grandmother … anyone floating up there who might be able to help me get through
I felt zero improvement this morning and I decided to start
smoking again. I would go to the variety store near my office and buy a pack of
cigarettes. I would do it secretly so that I didn’t have to tell my husband, my
children, my co-workers or any of you here that I was a smoker again. And then
I did this …
I went on the SHL site and read the amazing amount of
support I have received so far. In one post atp told me “how to rock your quit”
which made feel proud when I first read it, and so sad now as I was going to be
a smoker again within an hour. I then told myself, “okay, you can go buy
cigarettes, but before you do you have to spend a minimum of ten minutes
looking at images on Google of people with mouth cancer and throat cancer”.
That was enough. Everyone on this site has struggled and/or
is struggling to be free. I’m not alone here! And to be honest, it took
everything I had to remain looking at those horrific images for ten minutes (I
think I only got through five or six minutes at best).
I walked right passed the variety store. I did not buy
cigarettes. I did not smoke. I don’t know how I’ll be tomorrow, but today? I got this.