Hello,
I'm not sure if I'm posting this to the right place and if it isn't appropriate I understand.
I'm struggling with how to broach the subject with my boyfriend around his return to smoking and not telling me about it. I don't have proof as I haven't caught him and I haven't tried to catch him because I could be wrong. But his clothes have smelt like smoke, his car smells like smoke, and he's waking up early and going outside for 10 minutes before I get up and rushes into the shower if he hears me getting up. I asked him once why he was outside and I got up early to go bathroom and he said he was super hot and needed to call off outside, which is legitimate as he's always done this, but it's never been a daily thing till now. Trying to spy on him and catch him feels deceitful and the wrong way to go about it and part of me hopes he will tell me and maybe I'm wrong.
Some background.
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years now. When we met, he had quit smoking 6 years previously. He told me he had quit because he had wanted to and his dog had died and he used her memory as a way to draw strength and quit. He says it's probably the second hardest thing he's ever done, other than being there for his dog as she was dying. I have always valued his strength and admired him for telling me this. It was because of this that I didn't think he would ever smoke again. I've lost family members to smoking and I told him when we first started dating that I appreciated him sharing that story and that if we were a smoker I never would have agreed to our first date as I can't stand the smell and get headaches when visiting family or friends who smoke inside their homes.
Some of his friends and family are smokers and if they were ever smoking near us and would forget that we didn't he would ask them to move away (I have allergies that smoke can aggravate in the spring/summer and the lingering smell gives me headaches) and when we weren't around them he would tell me privately that he always hated the smell part of smoking and was glad he didn't anymore.
We've recently moved and financially we aren't doing terribly, but I think he feels we should be in a better place, but he's started a new job and the pay isn't nearly as good as it was before and I think he might regret the new job, but not the move, but the new job is pretty awful in comparison to his old job. He doesn't want to rely on me and refuses to let me pay more for the rent. We've moved away from family, but not ridiculously far (just a couple hours) but here there is just us and his best friend so our social circle has shrunk. So there are changes we've discussed and I thought we were both on the same page and understanding. He's really an amazing, awesome partner that I don't want to lose.
Now that I am suspicious of him smoking I am at a lost as to how to approach the subject with him. His explanation for the way he smells or his car can't be true, because he would never let anyone but him drive his car, never mind the the 20 year old that works with him, but smokes almost a pack a day that he says has driven it. The new job requires driving certifications and this younger guy has already had 2 accidents and he would never let him drive. My boyfriend parks his car at the other of the yard to avoid it being scratched, it really is his baby. Sometimes the smell isn't there. So maybe he's telling me the truth but I find it hard to believe when he can barely sit still if I'm driving us home from a night out. Maybe the coworkers smoking habit tempted him too far? is that possible? He's said in the past he hates the smell and it disgusted him. So I don't know.
Now this might sound weird but I have a very sensitive B.S. meter and his explanation is potato paper thin to my intuition. So now i doubt myself. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't help but feel I'm right on this.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for taking the time to read so far. Now is the part where I really need help with.
How do I broach the subject? Should I even broach the subject of him smoking?
I haven't yet because maybe I'm wrong, and I also can't believe he would go behind my back.
I realize now he's an addict, and I never would have understood that before now.
I also haven't because I don't want to be preachy about it. I'm equal parts angry, sad, betrayed and scared and I'm afraid my emotions will make it worse. I don't know if feeling betrayed is even justifiable, I feel like I'm being lied to and can't trust him. But is this something that can be considered trust breaking?
I also haven't because I don't feel fully justified in talking to him about this because who am I to say what he can or can't do with his body. He occasionally smokes maryjane (I don't) but he's always been upfont about it and tells me when ever he does so I can turn the air purifier on for when he comes back in the house.
I also don't think it's been very long since he's started based on behaviours.
I also feel as though he may have started due to stress. We've talked about his anxiety before which I admire in him for sharing and I wonder if it was just too much for him this time around.
I also haven't said anything because I think it's due to stress and I don't want to make it worse for him.
I also know he's hiding because he knows I won't like it and I feel like talking to him about it could be selfish and just for me. But what if he's lonely and sad and just doesn't know how to talk to me about it?
Part of me hopes that it's temporary and that he'll quit (if he actually is), but I know I can't stand feeling the way I do for the long term and I need to talk to him.
Do I just wait? has anyone whose hidden smoking from their spouse/partner/gf/bf felt like they wish they were found out even though they tried really hard to hide it? or is that just me wanting an excuse.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
The last thing I want to do is make it worst for him.
I'm also very afraid that if I ask the wrong way, he'll deny and hide it more.
Thank you in advance for your thoughts (and prayers if that's something you do).
Alyssa