17 Mar 2023
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I vape what I think is a lot (approx. 2 carts per day/Stilth) and its not the vaping that's getting to me as much as the price and the way that my partner sees me, the tagline being "...I just don't want you to regret anything when you're older."
I started smoking at 14-15 (Grade 9), but I was also vehemently opposed to smoking at the time — I did it as a joke at lunch, realized I wasn't a 'very good smoker', and it became this weird rats race to be the coolest smoker out there (the guy who doesn't cough, the mans blessing darts to the squad, all the iconographic figures).
I never quit, but switched to vaping in University after all my peers got a Juul. It just hit different, and tasted good (R.I.P Mango Pods). I still have a smoke from time to time, usually while drinking (i.e. once a month). Now I'm on that 2 carts a day regimen, with the less than occasional smoke.
I tried to quit vaping, but its more addictive (to me) than smoking (20mg Bold 50). I stopped for about a month, was on the nicotine gum (tried patches but I needed the mouth sensation), and found myself picking up a cigarette by the second week. The next week was two, the one after 5 (one a day). When I realized I had to shower before I could see my partner to hide the smoke, I switched back to vaping.
I feel confident that I can quit, but it feels impossible to call it quits absolutely. There's a part of me that says "a couple of bogeys a year is realistic, if not at least significantly healthier, but it feels redundant. And so then I try, but end up giving in to that part of me, and feel like its impossible in the moment — not hopeless — but like trying to get to the moon in 3000 B.C. (just not possible at the time).
I don't know what else to say, but thanks for holding my digital thoughts in your minds.
Last modified on 16 Mar 2023 23:05 by blkmrx