jene
14 posts
Registered:
21 Mar 2023
21 Mar 2023
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Hi folks.
This is my first post. Yesterday was my first time reaching out to get some help with this long, bumpy and winding journey. I've spent time in the past, writing to those parts of myself who are still clinging on to this habit - this old and far too consistent companion - expressing my gratitude for everything they did for me, in trying to soothe and comfort me, to strengthen me, to be able to stand alone, and to never feel alone, and most importantly, they did their best to keep me sane and safe when things were at their worst. (Please don't feel too weirded out my referring to "parts" of myself. We each have them - our own internal family systems. And understanding this has helped me to get to this point where I'm today, and it's a good place to be)
I have also shared with those same parts of me, that what was once a great service to me, has for a long time now, become a great disservice - to my soul, my body and my life. And today I do my best to be the one to be in the drivers seat and provide them with the comfort - letting them know that I am able and willing, and I am strong enough to support each of them, in ways that are truly loving and nourishing. I continue to offer them words of comfort because i know they are fearful of me expanding and evolving more. This is what they know to be safe, and greater joy and freedom really scares them. But I will be here for them, each step of the way.
This morning though, I had a realization, that I have been missing a very important piece of this puzzle, and I would like to share that with you (like I haven't rambled on enough already!) Actually, I guess it doesn't matter, because if you feel connected to what I'm sharing, you'll read on, and if not, that's cool too. So here it is - my morning realization...
Morning Journal Exerpt
"Who was the person I left behind when I started smoking? I have spoken frequently about the one(s) who arrived when I started - but who was left behind? Who was exiled? What parts of me were exiled? Who within me, now awaits for their potential to unfold? who, has waited for decades now, to be welcomed home and to have all the love and joy , belonging and safety, she so deserved to have? Who, inside of me, needs to be unburdened from all the pain, the shame, the loneliness? I am coming for you now. I stand with my arms open wide. I bow my head, so sorry for ever having left you behind. Let us begin this conversation so that we might know one another again."
And so, this is how I have chosen to use this forum (I hope it's okay) - to daily post a journal entry or letter or reflection, to this/these parts of me who got left behind when I first started shutting down, shutting out, and walling up. I was reminded of something so important this morning - that I cannot journey forward without reclaiming that which I have left behind. We often forget this vital part. We are completely focused on finally dropping the baggage - and yes, this is a vital piece also. But what we forget, is that until we have reclaimed those sacred. lost and exiled parts of ourselves, we will continue to loop back, not understanding why we continue to return to the same place, over and over again. And what I have learned, is that this journey back (or relapse, call it what you want), is about becoming whole. What we reclaim is of equal importance to what we leave behind.
I hope that each and every person here on their journey, towards healing and wholeness and freedom, will also return for those precious parts of each of you, that you once left behind. I'm not interested in accepting and loving myself WHEN I quit smoking. I'm interested in doing it now. Because those parts of me have suffered long enough without my unconditional love, nurturing and acceptance.
Blessings to each of you on your journey.