24 Jun 2022
23 Jun 2022
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I want to quit. Every morning I wake up, and I say, "I'm not going to smoke today". But, it's the second thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do at night. I have a smoke: with my morning coffee, after taking the dog for a walk, after breakfast, with another coffee, when I get into the car, when I reach my destination, when I get BORED. I smoke when I watch an episode of my show, and wait for the next one to load. I smoke when I'm home, when I'm out with friends that don't smoke.
My husband has been smoke free for 2 years, and he quit like it wasn't a big deal (insert selected curse word here). I have tried so many things in the past, and obviously, nothing has worked.
I have tried gradually cutting back (12 a day for 4 weeks, then 11, and so on). I have tried vape and e-cigarettes, but they made me want to smoke more, since it just wasn't the same, and there is a definitive "end" to a cigarette. I have tried the patch, and I found it didn't deal with my main trigger **BOREDOM**. I don't have a lot of stress (like seriously, picking the paint colour is the biggest thing for me right now, and it's not that big of a deal). I have tried cold turkey, and I lasted a record 19 days smoke free, before having one at a family function with my sister (I know "science" says 21 days to break a habit). I've tried doing things (knitting has been a help, but also a hindrance). I have tried the oral spray, and it was so bad, I almost threw up right there in the drug store parking lot.
I really want to quit smoking. I want to have healthy smoke free kids one day, and my husband and I have decided that next year, we will start the "baby making" process. We both have agreed that we would both like to see me be smoke free before we have kids. I never smoke in the house, and my "penance" is walking in the snowstorms/rain/etc to put my butts in the fire pit in the back yard.
I have said that if I get a new job, that will be my "sign" to quit smoking. I can't wait forever, and the work environment I have right now isn't really conducive to quitting. I work in Long-Term-Care, and probably 75% of the staff there smoke, and walk by my office when they go outside, or come back in. It is so tempting to join them, and well "I have time for one" has kind of become my motto. I also don't really have any incentive other than a healthy family.
I wish I could quit smoking, and stay quit. I know the health issues of smoking, I know the benefits of quitting. I have a habit so deeply ingrained, that I fear it will never go away. I know it will forever be a struggle for me after I quit. I know all of that. I have set 100 quit dates, and they've come and gone. It's not like I can't stick to it. I get physically sick when I don't smoke. I get nausea, headaches, nightmares even. I get body aches and shakes all over.
I know, I know, it's all "part of the process". I feel like I have been trying to quit since I tried that very first cigarette in College, just to see what all the hype was about. I wish I had never started, and now it's become so ingrained into my day, that I have no self-control over it.