04 Sep 2023
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I am quasi spiritual/religious and I feel I am addicted to purchasing cigarettes and view owning them, managing them and smoking them as something to do that I am accomplishing. Instead of feeling underwhelmed by my personality (and I am being treated for schizoeffective) I feel I am coping and feel overwhelmed with suffering throughout the day. Now that sounds like alot but I am speaking my mind in the present moment as I am typing.
I started smoking around 18 or 19. I am 33. I can barely afford to smoke. I have tried group seminars, 1 on 1 counselling, patches, losenges, just buying gum and throwing out my cigarettes. I feel like it's impossible and can't get past that subconcious attitude. On my quit days I feel that the there is nothing for me to do and I will fall into a nihistic void if I don't start smoking again.
My plan is to: 1. Smoke outside. 2. Cut back for 6 weeks, from 35 to 30 to 25 to 20 to 15 to 10 then quit. Let me know if you think I should try other numbers. By putting them in ziplock bags.
3. Read a book called Quit and Stay Quit, which has one keep a journal of questions it asks of one.
4. On quit day, start doing the standard advice, keep busy, take deep breaths when I have a craving, distract myself when I have a craving through fast acting nicotine therapy, use the patch, snack on healthy snacks, take walks, throw out butts, ash trays, lighters, do something with my hands.
It's almost like I'm attracted to cigarettes through sense desire and see them as a desirable special object. I am not allowed to smoke in my apartment. So when winter comes I'd like to have stopped by then.
I think marijuana was a bit of a gateway to cigarettes, my parents smoke, my sister used to smoke, now my neighbors smoke. The time has come for me to make a choice of health vs temporary contenment and illusion of satisfaction and thoughts of happiness, for real change.