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Butterflyna's Journey

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  1. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
    125 posts
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    15 Feb 2018
    05 Feb
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    I am going to start this sort of like a "journal" of my journey. I started off her in 2018 but wasn't really serious I guess cuz I think I posted once.  My most recent quit date was Feb 1st where i managed to stay smoke free for 3.4 days. I then had a slip for the remainder of the the 4th day. Reset my quit date for Feb 5th. Woke up this morning (Feb 5th) with pretty bad wheezing all over again. I have to quit or I will die from it.
    Anyhow, this morning I used my Nic Mist at first then had a cigarette. I have had 3 cigarettes all day which blows my quit date again. I don't even want to set a quit date now. I hate disappointing myself and others. I am my mothers daughter all over again. She died of emphysema and could never stop smoking.  I almost died about a month ago when I couldn't get my breath when I woke up. In a nutshell, I was afraid of this. I am totally isolating in my apt.  I can't think straight cuz all I think of is why can't I quit smoking. My entire days surround myself and this stupid problem. I feel like a loser. I took a shower last night and put on pj's and am still in them. Haven't brushed my hair or teeth. Slept some but am going down into my depression. I can feel it. All I have is my cat who does communicate but loves me unconditionally. Too bad I can't do the same. Pathetic!
  2. treepeo
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    05 Feb in reply to butterflyna
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    Hi butterflyna,

    I wish you weren't so hard on yourself.  It's not unusual to slip when trying to quit smoking.  Quitting is hard to do.  And when you have smoked most of your life, it is even harder.

    It sounds like you are putting way too much pressure on yourself.  Why not take a bit of a break and let yourself relax?  Maybe you should see your doctor and tell him or her how you are feeling.  Give yourself a chance to work through your feelings.  You can always try again when you are feeling up to it.

    Please be kind to yourself.  Cuddle your cat, then get out of your apartment, even if it's just for a brief time.  I find getting out and being around people really helpful when I am in a funk.  And do something that will make you happy, no matter how small.

    You are important, butterflyna.  You are a winner.  Remember that.
  3. quitfriend
    quitfriend avatar
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    05 Feb
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    Butterflyna,
    I relate to much of what you describe. I am on medication for depression and anxiety which works for me for the most part but that didn’t stop me from getting depressed when I had a failed attempt at quitting smoking.
    It was my mental health councillor who taught me to take a kinder view of myself and the process and introduced me to the idea of smoking cessation councilling. Reading the posts here and calling the quit coaches taught me that slips are often a normal part of the process of quitting and what I saw as failures were actually learning experiences. My most recent attempts were much better. 
    I hope you find what works for you in your own time. 
    quitfriend
  4. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    05 Feb
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    Thank you both. I don't think I know how to go easy on myself. I try to. Thank you for your replies. 
  5. marianne, quit coach
    marianne, quit coach avatar
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    06 Feb
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    Hello Butterflyna,

    Hope you are feeling better.  As Treepeo and Quitfriend shared, slips can happen and shouldn't be a reflection of how you view yourself.   Can understand of how your encounter last month would scare you, sorry to hear.  Talking to others is what uplifts you so hoping you reach out and connect with your doctor as was shared.  It is important to have health care professionals and others redirect your focus on to what you have accomplished as it encourages you to take further steps.  Dwelling on the negative feels defeating.  Keep in mind that making changes to your smoking can affect your mental health as your brain chemistry changes.  Your doctor will bring more awareness to you around this and support you with the best treatment.  

    Have a good day knowing that the changes you have made with cutting down your smoking are huge.  You will succeed, believe!  

    Marianne
  6. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    06 Feb in reply to marianne, quit coach
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    Hi Marianne,

    Thank you <3
  7. butterflyna
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    06 Feb
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    Yes, some of us addicts have to hit a bottom before we quit. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I know for many their bottom is death. I had an appt with my addiction counselor today. She asked me if I could accept the fact that if I don't quit smoking I will probably die from it. She asked if I was OK with that. If not, I have to start seeing the truth. I have to face the truth. Just thinking of it is scary. I am not ok with that so I have to start doing things to help me quit, not just keep going the way I am going. I went and bought the patch. I can't smoke on the patch. I can only pray this will work. If I could go seven days without smoking I only hope that will be enough. I don't want to die from Smoking like my Mom did. One day at a time. Thank you all <3
  8. atp
    atp avatar
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    07 Feb in reply to butterflyna
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    Butterflyna,

    I think most everyone on this site has tried to quit multiple times. The one common thing with all of us is that we keep trying. It is an addiction and it is hard to break it. Rather than focusing on what your are giving up (smoking) try to focus on what you will be gaining by being a non-smoker. It's hard to look past the initial withdrawal and also the total disjointed feeling of missing the habit of smoking, but that passes. 

    I started the "Lesser known benefits of quitting smoking" as a bit of a lighter look at the downside of smoking. So far some of the reasons posted are quite interesting, as many of them I never considered when I was doing my lists of reasons to quit, yet I can relate to all of them. 

    You don't need to hope to go seven days without smoking, you just need to focus on getting to the next meal, the next hour, the next commercial break, whatever it takes to make it manageable. 

    Find your passion for the non-smoker that you want to be. 
    Last modified on 07 Feb 2019 06:17 by atp
  9. efreeman75
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    07 Feb
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    The bottom is when you decide it is. 

    And if you're at the bottom, you can only move up.  Time for some positive thoughts and imagery.  You're not quitting smoking, you're starting life as a non-smoker.  And, like anything new, it will be difficult but get easier with time and practice.  Think of a new job, a new sport, a new hobby, learning to drive.  All were difficult at the beginning, but as we persisted and practiced, it got easier and we learned to perfect our mental and physical abilities.  Quitting smoking also involves breaking a chemical dependence, but it is possible - it involves some really hard work.

    You're not at the bottom - you're climbing towards the top.

    You can do this!

    E
  10. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    12 Feb
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    Hi atp and E,

    Thank you so much for your posts. I guess so much of it does have to do with the mindset. I do agree. I want to be a non-smoker. I have an update on my plan to quit. First and foremost, I think if I start the patch and only use it for 7 days I am setting myself up for relapse. After the 7 days what will I do?? I will be jonesing again. I am in a program where they can give you patches for free (I can't afford to buy anymore). The problem is, I don't see the woman who has this until March 1st. I am only smoking 10 cigs a day so I bought the No 2 patch for 10 or less cigarettes. I could get a couple more from her. Not sure if I will have to wait til March 1st or not. My program is on Wednesdays so this Wed I go and explain the situation. Perhaps I could start my patches right away?? That would be awesome! I would start the patch right away!
    Also, which may be taboo on here, I don't know but I got some CBD oil. Just for daily use with no THC in it.  I take it twice a day.  I have been on it now for 3 days and it is really helping with my anxiety, yes, already. Just my focus is better and stuff. However, I just really need to quit via the patches cuz I know it would help me then with my anxiety over quitting. Also, I have other issues the CBD oil could help with. I will have to see about that as I progress on it. I am to see my psychiatrist today and I just hope he is open to cbd. It is helping me but I may have to wean off my anxiety "prescribed" meds. I hope he is open-minded about the CBD oil. I can only pray (seems a lot of doctors are against it)
    Anyhow, all in all I am still smoking. I have to stay at 10 a day so the patch will work when I start it. I am just waiting to see how everything falls into place. So much of it is out of my hands. It's just where I am and it may sound to some like bs but I am trying to do what will WORK. Not just attempt blindly and keep relapsing. I want to quit AND I have to quit. No if and or buts about it. One day at a time, as always. Thank you so much for being here for me and if you want to call me on anything I've said, please don't hesitate. I can take the brutal truth <3

    Thanks,
    butterflyna/Laurie xo
    Last modified on 12 Feb 2019 01:16 by butterflyna
  11. atp
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    12 Feb in reply to butterflyna
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    Butterflyna,

    Sounds like you have a lot going on all at once. With regards the CBD oils, my wife uses some in the evening to calm down (reduce anxiety) and help her get to sleep. Not sure how much it will help with quitting smoking...but if it calms you down in other areas then it might not be a bad thing during a quit. 

    You've cut down how much you smoke already, so how about before your new quit date try to work on breaking the routine of smoking. Stop smoking in your place. Maybe stop smoking in your car or wait till you are half way to where you are going. Wait for your second coffee before having a smoke. Go for a walk at break instead of smoking, etc. The hardest part of my quit was actually breaking the routine of smoking, I just felt so lost and out of sorts at all those 'have a smoke' moments. 

    As for patches, you have enough to get started. Think about how much you will save by not smoking, and maybe you can set aside enough for the next dose of patches. Look for solutions to help you quit....It should be a positive thing. 
  12. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    12 Feb in reply to atp
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    Hi atp,
    Thank you for replying to my post. I do have a lot going on and normally for me I would have just said screw it and continue the way I am. I can't. I understand what you are say and perhaps you are right. Using the patch for 7 days should help. I already don't smoke in my apt and haven't for years. There is a massive snow storm here today and I am still going out onto the balcony to have my smoke every hour and a bit. Got a balaclava on even! Ridiculous! I sometimes think I am wasting my and all your peoples time
  13. atp
    atp avatar
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    12 Feb in reply to butterflyna
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    Butterflyna,

    I tried to quit many times over the years, and gave up on my quit within 3-5 days and then didn't try again for a few years, so this time my feeling of success is huge. 

    I admire you for keeping at it even though you are having struggles. That takes commitment. At some point you will find your success formula, and your quit will be that much sweeter for it. 
  14. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    15 Feb in reply to atp
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    Hello atp,
    Thank you. I am trying and I know I can't give up. I went to my "Aim to Quit" class on Wednesday. It's a f2f program in my area. It's awesome. What I really like is it's actually talking to people one on one, or in a class setting. All of us are trying to quit smoking and some have more time than others and some are struggling like me but no matter what they accept you as you are. I'm not saying this forum doesn't. Don't get me wrong. I love this forum and all the people like you who do try to help regardless of where people are. I guess it's just the face to face that I like. Anyway, they had a CO monitor thingy to test your breathing level and I did that. I was sorta down on myself and had no clue what this thing did. When I blew into it my score came back as a 10. The girl said to me that was excellent cuz that meant I am in the category of "a light smoker". Everyone else that did it was way higher than me. It made me feel good. I have been at 10 cig a day for almost a year now and though that isn't being quit, it's still way better than it used to be. I am proud of how far I have come, and I know all of you are proud for me. It's just my process. I understand that we need to be told some hard truths sometimes. I'm sure you have heard b4 that the best one for beating ourselves up is ourselves. I am hard on myself cuz I've had to be. I've been in recovery for most of my life and for almost everything you can imagine. I have come so far, trust me.  My quit date is March 1st.  I will do this. I know I will and thank you (and all the others) for helping me to see the truth, edge me along and support me along the way.  I need and appreciate you all!  ODAAT :)

    butterflyna/Laurie
  15. efreeman75
    efreeman75 avatar
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    15 Feb
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    Hi butterfly,

    Now that's the attitude that will get you through this.  Winning a bunch of small battles will eventually win the war.  You've cut your smoking way back, your CO was better than you could have hoped, you've overcome many other obstacles.  And you've thought, planned, and developed strategy for your quit.  You are ready.

    If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of the battle.
  16. butterflyna
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    16 Feb in reply to efreeman75
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    Hi e!
    Thank you!! You guys/gals are awesome!! I will beat the enemy cuz that's what smoking is for me. Know thy enemy. I trust the process!

    butterflyna/Laurie
  17. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
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    19 Feb
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    Well peeps, here we go again. The cold/Flu/Pneumonia that usually starts has started (it always does) and I woke up at 6am hardly able to breath again. Just like when I started back here over a month ago except this time I am catching it before I am rendered "unable to breath at all" like last month. Now, as usual, I will have to go on the PREDNISONE and the AMOX 875MG/CLAVULAN POT (have a standing script at the drug store) for 10 days. My quit date is March 1st. Never wanted to go on Prednisone again. It is bad for me. I'm still smoking until March 1st. I only pray this is the last time.
  18. treepeo
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    19 Feb in reply to butterflyna
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    Hi butterflyna,

    That's awfully scary.  I hope those drugs work for you.

    Before I quit, I was in really bad shape.  My chest was tight.  With the slightest exertion, my heart would start beating really fast.  I was so breathless that my voice got weak.  And still I continued to smoke.  That's what this lousy addiction does to us.

    Quitting was really, really hard for me.  My lungs throbbed and ached so much that I thought something really bad was going to happen to me.  But it was just the opposite.  Even though my lungs were aching, my body was actually starting to heal.  Now, two years later, the difference is remarkable.  My chest feels so much lighter, it's incredible.  My heart doesn't pound the way it used to.  My voice is a lot stronger because I actually have enough breath to speak.  And I no longer worry about whether today is the day I'm going to have a heart attack due to smoking.

    Just because you are your mother's daughter, it doesn't mean that you have to follow in her footsteps in all things.  Keep working towards your goal, butterflyna, because if you quit smoking, it will have a really positive impact on your quality of life.
  19. butterflyna
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    22 Feb in reply to treepeo
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    Hi treepeo,

    It is scary. The prednisone and Amox/Clauv do work for me when I remember to take it right. It's so bad for me tho (Prednisone) There is so much different meds I am taking now I am starting to get confused lol. I will get it all in order.
    Thank you for sharing your quit. That must've been very scary as well. It's amazing the grip this addiction can have over us. I am so proud of you for going 2 yrs without smoking! I can't even imagine that right now. Just the healing of my lungs itself will be so liberating. I did go 3 days last month but never really felt any change. This time I have the patch so I pray it will be better. I am scared though. One day at a time. Thank you all so much for all your support. Thanks treepo :)

    butterflyna/Laurie
  20. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
    125 posts
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    26 Feb
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    Hi all,
    My quit date is March 1st. I am doing my best to make sure it happens this time. I have the 7 day patches (for 10 cig or less) and am praying I can get some more from the Stop program. I have an appt. on the 1st of March. I have been keeping up with the Prednisone/Amox/Clauv and am still only smoking 10 cigs pd. I am only using the cbd once a day at noon. I will up it to twice a day when I quit. I find myself sleeping a lot during the day. From around 3pm til 10pm then up most of the night. When I have my first cig at 10pm I find I actually get a buzz off it cuz I haven't smoked all day. That's happened b4 tho. I am in a place now where some major things are happening in my life and I just pray it doesn't make me so stressed that I turn back to smoking. I am having to give up on a car and all my stuff in storage that my ex (Narc) has been helping me out with. I have to let it all go just to get away from him finally. I pray he leaves me alone. He has hurt me bad and I need to let this go in order to be at peace. He also bought my cigarettes which will be no more (a great side to giving him up completely) I am turning my quit over to my HP whom is God. I quit drugs and drinking that way. God, please help me now. I need you and you are the main one who is gonna make this work (with the peeps here). Thank you all. ODAAT. <3
    In Faith, Peace and Love,

    butterflyna/Laurie xo
  21. madeleine, quit coach
    madeleine, quit coach avatar
    33 posts
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    27 Feb
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    Hello Butterflyna and everyone! 

    As always, I'm floored at how beautifully supportive the SHL.ca community is! 

    I wanted to commend you, Butterlyna, on all the steps your taking to prepare for your quit. It shows that this means A LOT to you, and that you will get there because of your determination to quit. You have signed up for the "Aim to Quit" Wednesday support, you are attending the STOP session on your quit date, and you are chatting with us online. All of these things will help! 

    From what you shared, this sounds like a very transformative time for you and you are incredibly courageous for making all these positive changes in your life. You mentioned being worried about the stress. Just know that stress is normal, and to rely on your supports when things do get stressful. Reach out to the online community, anyone your trust to call in your life, and even Smokers' Helpline to help work through a craving - 1-877-513-5333!

    You are doing this Butterflyna! Good luck on March 1st! ODAAT! 

    Thanks everyone for the ongoing great support, such a wonderful community! 

    Madeleine  

    Last modified on 27 Feb 2019 11:20 by madeleine, quit coach
  22. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
    125 posts
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    15 Feb 2018
    27 Feb in reply to madeleine, quit coach
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    Hi madeleine,
    Yes, I am so blessed by all this support, as are we all. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I tried the patch years ago and I did quit for a month, so that's positive too.
    Thank you madeleine for all your encouraging words. All you guys and gals are the bestest! God Bless you. All is how it should be <3
  23. chesk
    chesk avatar
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    28 Jan 2019
    27 Feb
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    Take it one day at a time! You can do it!

    I am a month smoke free! The first 2 weeks were awful. Depression, Sadness everything. It’s gotten a lot easier!

    You can do it! 
  24. butterflyna
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    28 Feb in reply to chesk
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    Hi chesk,
    Thank you for your supportive words. A MONTH! That's awesome! I am sitting in Timmies parking lot in car having my last cigarettes b4 midnight. It's 10:43pm. My anxiety is high but I will put the patch on at midnight. That should help so much! I have CBD oil for during the day to help with anxiety as well. I don't want to be using a narcotic cuz knowing me I become addicted to that as well. I pray this is the one! ODAAT! <3

    butterflyna/Laurie
  25. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
    125 posts
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    01 Mar
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    Hi All. The patch is on! Was on at 12:08am. Feels weird but I will get used to it. ODAAT.
    Will update daily (maybe more than that lol) to let everyone know how it's going (and for me to keep busy) ;) Thanks all <3

    butterflyna/Laurie
  26. atp
    atp avatar
    341 posts
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    01 Mar in reply to butterflyna
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    Laurie,

    Congrats on resuming your quit. Your determination will pay off for you. Smoking is a terrible addiction and if it were so easy to quit, we wouldn't need sites like this to help us. 

    BTW - I read a lot of posts where people mention taking the patch off at night due to some vivid dreams, etc. 
  27. nadia b, quit coach
    nadia b, quit coach avatar
    47 posts
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    01 Mar in reply to butterflyna
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    Way to go butterflyna! We look forward to reading and walking along with you on your quit journey.

    Nadia B.
  28. butterflyna
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    125 posts
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    02 Mar in reply to atp
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    Hi atp!
    Just changed my patch over from day one to day two. Had an awesome appt. today with a lady at "Carea". I got more patches, some gum, and a whole ton of info! I know I heard this b4 and I'm pretty sure it was one of you fantastic people who mentioned it in one of your posts but caffeine can really effect you once you quit smoking. Boy oh boy did I find that out this morning. I drink half calf but was shaking like a leaf after drinking half a lrg Timmies cup! Whoa! Gonna be slowing down on that for a while (herbal teas, decaf teas or even straight decaf coffee I will try)

    Thank you so much for your congrats atp. Today just felt weird (which I figured it would) Changing my whole routine will take a while to get "comfortable" with. I am in that "unfamiliar territory" know. Been here b4 with other things. Just takes time.  Yes, I also heard about removing the patch at night due to dreams, etc. In all honesty, I have vivid dreams all the times, nightmares and stuff. I will see how it goes cuz it's just the second day but if I need to take the patch off when I go to sleep, I will. Thanks atp for bringing it up. Greatly appreciated. As always, ODAAT. Feeling good about everything though and that is awesome!!!!! <3

    Thanks again,
    butterflyna/Laurie
  29. butterflyna
    butterflyna avatar
    125 posts
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    02 Mar in reply to nadia b, quit coach
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    Hi nadia b,
    Thank you for your message. I will keep it up. Struggles and happy events, etc. I am feeling good about this whole quitting smoking this time. So many supports (your guys are so awesome!) I used to belong to a NA group called Inner Journey. That makes me think of this. I keep up odaat. Thank you for being here!

    butterflyna/Laurie xo
  30. atp
    atp avatar
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    02 Mar in reply to butterflyna
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    The first 3-4 days can be kind of dream-like and out of sorts because you are not having a smoke at all the usual times. The patch will help keep you on a low dose of nicotine while you get used to not smoking. It is harder to break the habit of smoking than the addiction of nicotine. When you have those cravings just sit back take a deep breath and relax, sip some cold water, it will pass. Have an NRT gum if that helps. And keep reminding yourself Not One Puff Ever. 

    I remember having a massive craving on day 2 or 3 while watching TV. Everything in me wanted to get up and go buy some smokes. Instead I said out loud that I will wait till the next commercial break, and then when the commercial break came I said I'd wait till the next one. I had to break it down to that small a time frame just to make it through. 

    Yeah, coffee suddenly give you a caffeine kick. Smoking has a way of suppressing caffeine and hunger. Coffee and beer were triggers for me and I had to cut those out for the first week or so. Tea and plain old tap water helped. 

    I also had massive headaches the first few days (I went cold turkey so the nicotine withdrawal was maybe different than what you'll feel on the patch). 

    Quitting smoke is hard work and it will make you feel miserable for days on end. But if you fight through it there is a huge reward waiting for you.
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