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Morning coffee and smoking- day 14

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  1. kit
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    18 Nov 2019
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    Some times I feel like I post to much- almost every day. Last time I quit with The Smokers Help Line- I was not always honest  (about how  I was feeling)  and open about the ups and downs of daily life. I quit for a week or so and that was it! I finally decided I could not stand the stress and anxiety I felt when I smoked. I decided - either just continue smoking and try to enjoy it and not stress or quit and be done with it. I tried to enjoy smoking - deep in my heart I ALWAYS knew the damage I was doing - physical as well as emotional. Oh- I miss smoking like crazy- but I dont want to go back! This time I have reached out more - tried to be honest- as well as open. I have had SO MUCH SUPPORT- it is truly helping. Im only 2 weeks smoke free- 14 days-not a lot but the hardest part (for me) was the decision - and to follow through... I heard some one say the other day " dont count the days let the days count you " I hope soon I will have long periods of time where I am not obsessing 24/ about my quit ! Have a good day !   Kit

  2. atp
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    18 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Kit,

    14 days smoke free is a big deal. 

    Your nicotine cravings are subsiding, but now it is dealing with the mental withdrawal. The usual problems of doing things you always associated with having a smoke. Amazing how much creatures of habit we are. 

    I missed smoking a lot too. But you know, at about 2 weeks I started to really get serious about my quit. I mean if we can go 2 weeks, then why not 3 weeks? and do we really want to go through all that withdrawal again? 

    In the next few days some of that 'fog' will start to lift. Just take in some nice deep breaths and enjoy the day. 


    Basically you now need to learn how to be a non-smoker. 
  3. justfortoday
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    18 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Hey there kit …

    First of all, don't question how much you post here … WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU!! Secondly, 14 days behind you??? Freaking fantastic!

    I posted constantly in the early days, and even when I didn't, I read past posts which helped to inspire me, and made me feel like I wasn't alone in my battles. This site is a major part of my success.

    As well, obsessing is perfectly natural. I remember being terrified that I was going to spend the rest of my life in this state (in in my mind, it just wasn't worth it if this was the case). All I talked about was smoking, all I thought about was smoking, from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep.

    Again, this is normal, normal, normal.  As atp said, you just need to get through the next week or so, and you will feel so much better (emotionally). You are learning to be a non-smoker and that is work.

    AND you are doing so well, I know you got this!!
  4. kit
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    18 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Ah - Thanks justfortoday !! Was at work today feeling blue! Then I thought of you and atp and treeeepo and how you have been Cheering me on-Supporting me- Helping  with GREAT SUGGESTIONS  and Caring - I just started to cry- felt so supported and cared for. I just put my head on my desk and began to weep- in front of 28 people. All Good !  Right-so going into week 3. The periods between cravings are getting longer! Thinking a tiny bit less about it. Progress...
    I have to keep a clear head. I do feel more energy now- less of a huge weight that I always carried around . I actually had a little skip in my step today. But also REALLY MINDFUL that I must be cautious and careful. And I feel each day that I am becoming more serious about my quit. Words can not even begin to say how Thankful I am knowing you are here!!! THANK YOU-have a good night- Kit


  5. kit
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    18 Nov 2019 in reply to atp
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    Hi atp. I honestly dont know what I would do if I didnt have you and justfor today and treeepeo here SUPPORTING ME ! There truly are no words to express my GRATITUDE ! 
    Hoping the fog will lift - and I do have more energy!  Before I would chain smoke in my car and arrive at work smelling wretched and exhausted ! I have more energy for sure. Today I felt a little blue- and I thought of you guys and put my head down on my desk and just began to weep- in front of a lot of people. But -ALL GOOD!  Right the mental withdrawal ! The last 2 weeks been hard but feel serious about my quit. Must be cautious and mindful. For sure a journey !
    With such gratitude- Kit
  6. justfortoday
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    19 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Hey kit … I just wanted to thank YOU.

    As much as you feel we are here for you, I hope you understand how important your presence is to me and how YOU help me keep my quit.

    When I reach out to support someone, it makes me even more committed to my own quit. I don't want to be alone to navigate the challenges that come with this journey, nor do I want to be alone to celebrate all of our successes. 

    When I've said, "We are doing this together", that is exactly what I mean. 

    So thank you, kit, and I hope you have a great day.

    Last modified on 19 Nov 2019 09:29 by justfortoday
  7. kit
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    20 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Day 16- smoke free. Feels easier in many ways as well as harder! The with drawl - for the most part is gone. Some AMAZING benefits ! Sleep through the night- far more energy- do not smell of smoke all the time- breathing is not shallow anymore- I would become very hot - then very cold with chills( almost flu like symptoms) they are gone. Have a little more money. Less guilt/anxiety and worry! And yet I still miss what was once my 24/7 BEST FRIEND- the smokes. But I find getting through the cravings is easier. It feels like a huge wave coming over me. I just wait- ride the wave- count- delay/distract and before I know it the craving is gone. These past 2 weeks have been difficult ! I can only keep moving forward. I find my motivation slipping but one day at a time is the ONLY way I can stay on this journey! Have a great day all! THANK YOU for being here on this forum! - Kit
  8. atp
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    20 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Kit,

    Sounds like you are really getting into a groove with your quit and dealing with all the cravings in a positive way. 

    It is exciting to start to see the health benefits of quitting, and how quickly it happens. 

    It going to take time to get used to being a non-smoker. I was still having moments 6 months after, minor ones but there were times where I just missed it. That lingering feeling has mostly subsided for me now. You'll get there in time. 

    Do yourself a favour and take some of that money you saved and do something for yourself. 
  9. kit
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    21 Nov 2019 in reply to atp
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    Hi atp-
    Yes - I think Im getting into some kind of groove. Lots of time between cravings. What is happening that is almost as difficult as those first 3 days is- I have noticed that the smoking has/had been covering up a lot of emotional " stuff " and that "stuff" seems to be coming up. At work  (for years) I have been doing things over and above my job description - like big time ! And the other day it became so obvious the things I have been doing. So I have as of late been saying "NO" in a kind and firm way. I have been picking up other peoples slack! Doing things thatI truly I do not have to do and should not be doing! A colleague told me a couple years ago that they take advantage of me at work. I would just feel crappy and instead of learning to say NO or set boundaries I would wait until work was over- get into my car - and chain smoke all the way home trying to forget that I have been taken advantage of. Well the option of getting in the car and smoking - is not an option. So people are starting to say-" whats up with you " even family members. Nothing is really " UP " with me -except the LOW SELF ESTEEM that I have/had been covering up with smoking for years - is just not being covered up ! I am super mindful that I cant go zero to one hundred over night but it is becoming so clear that I smoked to cover up my PEOPLE PLEASING- kinda depressing ! Have a good day!! - Kit
  10. justfortoday
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    21 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Good morning kit!

    What a powerful and insightful post. I was very touched by your words.

    I think I understand where you're coming from. For me, being a smoker often made me feel "less than", and as a result I really didn't know how to set personal boundaries. A part of me felt "dirty" because I smelled like a smoker and I felt like a failure because I couldn't quit.

    All of that is different now. I can set healthy boundaries with my coworkers, my children and friends. I feel worthy and more importantly I feel there is nothing I can't accomplish because I'm winning on this amazing journey!

    We might not recognize that quitting smoking is more than just getting our health back. I believe by quitting we get to own who we are and decide where we want to go in life.

    Quitting smoking offers us the opportunity to live big! Our responsibility is to grab that and respect our quit each and every day .

    You are amazing kit, and I'm proud to take this journey with you.

    Have a great day.
  11. kit
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    21 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Hi justfortoday,
    Things a bit nutty ! Slowly I am setting these natural boundaries- with work- family- friends and people are asking " whats wrong with you ."  Its just happening- unfolding in a natural way.
    Oh well- Im still a good worker/mother/friend but I get taken advantage of - ALOT !! Even my boss told me- I get taken advantage of- but she takes advantage of me ! Its all kind of funny- and not funny at all.  Probably turn into anger then something else- its going to be a roller coaster for a while. I have played small/less than for so many years . I was offered a promotion at work- between myself and another person- I said " oh let her have it - she would do a better job " (which is actually not true) maybe she would do it differently - but not better ....I went and sat in a park after that and probably smoked half a pack of cigarettes...
    I am SO HAPPY TO BE TAKING THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU AS WELL ! Have a good day tomorrow- touch base on the week-end ! Thank you for your support-  as well as understanding the BIGGER PICTURE of quitting smoking - Kit
  12. kit
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    22 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Hi justfortoday

    "Quitting smoking offers us the opportunity to live big! Our responsibility is to grab that and respect our quit each and every day."

    When I read this in your post it felt like you said everything I wanted (but could not) say about my quit. I honestly never thought of RESPECTING MY QUIT ! For me it felt like a light bulb went off in my head ! To RESPECT my  quit takes on a whole new meaning  of quitting smoking. Instead of it feeling like quitting is this horrible-horrific-upsetting task - I feel like I need to see it as empowering - and a huge opportunity to slowly make changes both for my health as well as my self esteem. Yes- smoking has always made me feel " LESS THAN" A huge part of me also felt "DIRTY" and constantly felt like a failure because I could not quit. Smoking seemed to "colour" all of my life and ripped away at my self esteem and self image. For me what you said was really powerful and such a different way of reflecting on my quit! Thank you !!
    Have a good day ! A good smoke free day I will hopefully have! One day at a time!
    Kit


  13. justfortoday
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    22 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Hi kit!

    If you could see the huge smile I have right now, you would see how proud I am of you!

    You have committed wholeheartedly to your quit, and it's working, my friend!

    If you have some time over the weekend, try to go back and read some of your early posts. I already can "hear" the difference in your words.

    During the first few days you had your doubts... you weren't sure you could do this. And look at you now! Your conviction is getting stronger every day and the self doubt is loosing the battle.

    You're like a quit-smoking-super-hero!



  14. kit
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    23 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Hi just for today
    Im almost 3 weeks smoke free. Was reading over posts last night- just loads of different ones. Was good but what scared me was ( or so it seemed) that a lot of people found at three weeks it became very difficult. I feel that but just know if I smoke that INSANITY will return. In a way its good to know. Weekends are hard but do-able! Looking at my stats and the number of cigarettes I have not smoked is mind blowing ! Have an " event" have to go to tonight.Besides work Ive been laying low-not going out in fear of buying cigarettes. Will feel good I hope- not standing out on the street with a couple others - getting my " fix" Have a great smoke free weekend !
    Kit
  15. kit
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    24 Nov 2019
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    Day 20-Getting Easier and Harder-
    When not working I have spent a lot of time sleeping or staying home watching crappy tv. I made a choice to not socialize or go out for the first 3 weeks of my quit. I didnt feel I would be able to resist buying cigarettes or asking someone if I could just have a puff of their cigarette. Last night was my first night socializing ! Thankfully I was with people that  a) are aware I have quit and are supportive b) with friends that do not smoke. It was not as difficult as I thought it would be - and felt good when I returned home and went to sleep - and had stayed smoke free all night.
    The physical with drawl feels like its gone- or almost gone. The sweating - insomnia- bouts of crying and major irritation. The emotional part of not smoking feels harder. I have so much more time now that I have quit- ONE DAY AT A TIME. Not always taking a break from what I am doing to have a smoke. Not driving to the store at random hours to buy a pack of cigarettes to make sure I have enough for the morning. Not always cleaning cigarette butts from ash trays or the tin can on my deck or cleaning my car - trying to get rid of the smell and the ashes that ended up on my seat or even back seats- from the windows being open and ashes flying into my car. But I feel a huge loss. No  matter how you cut it- cigarettes have always been with me for most of my life. Through the good times- the bad times or really all the time. It feels like I am grieving the loss of something HUGE in my life. And what emotional " stuff" I would be going through I would always be able to smoke- to deal with whatever was going on- be it negative or positive. I feel like I have lost my best friend as well as the crutch ( the cigarette ) that seemed to help me block all my feelings. Now I have to feel these feelings that I have covered up for so long by smoking them away- AND ITS HARD !! - Kit
  16. kit
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    24 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    OMG-  This week-end was HARD !!! Could of chewed any one or everyones head off. YIKES- did I ever want to smoke- but didnt ! ANGRY ALL DAY !!! Hardest day yet !
  17. atp
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    25 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Kit,

    Congrats on 3 weeks!!!!!

    It is the emotional and mental, or as I called it 'the addict in my head', that is the hard part of quitting.

    I had a hard time trying to understand how non-smokers could live without smoking. I thought they were missing so much. Now almost a year later and I can tell you that it is way better dealing with stuff by not smoking. 
  18. kit
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    26 Nov 2019 in reply to atp
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    Hi atp- Yes- it now feels like the mental and emotional stuff that is hard. I feel overwhelmed (a lot) trying to move through " LIFE" without smoking. I still just get into bed and watch tv and breath - the crappy tv seems to work as a distraction. Going to start walking with a good friend ( who is really supportive) after dinner every night. Three weeks smoke free. I need to wrap my head around it being a journey not a marathon. I keep thinking when will all this end. It will never end- But it will begin to get easier and better! 
    Have a good day !  
    Kit
  19. mari_m
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    26 Nov 2019
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     Way to go Kit on 3 weeks smoke free! That is truly a big accomplishment.I hope you do something extra special for yourself. I found that it doesn't have to be a big deal, as sometimes the little things are just as important. And walking is  a  great idea, and is nice to have some company to go with you. I can relate to tv and breathing, as for the first few weeks of my quit I would breathe in deeply for a count of 5 , hold it for 5, and then exhale for 5. That was also what I practised every night before going to sleep, and being so thankful that I made it through another day without one puff! Remember, believe in yourself, you are doing this!  m
  20. kit
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    27 Nov 2019 in reply to mari_m
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    Hi mari_m

    Twenty three days and still counting. Hopefully - soon there will come a time when I stop counting the days!  I went for a good long walk last night- with a really supportive friend- felt good when I got home. I hardly thought about smoking at all. What was the best was when I was leaving for my walk it was so much easier to get out the front door. Did not even take my purse. Usually I would need my purse with cigarettes- lighter- money to buy a pack for the morning etc. etc. It was effortless as I only needed to put on my shoes and coat and go ! That felt good! I have been trying to do more deep breathing. Thank you for the idea of counting to five. I will try that. I was deep breathing the first week but it felt odd not to be breathing in smoke- doesnt feel like that so much. As well the tv thing is becoming far less. The CRAZY thing is I never watched tv - I would watch movies or documentaries ( which I love) but not  TV- its starting to bore me but for now I will still watch crappy tv as it seems to be a good distraction. Also want to try and keep that walk in after dinner- felt better. And yes- every night I ams so thankful that I made it through the day without one puff ! Thank you for the great suggestions! Have a great smoke free dat !!!
  21. justfortoday
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    27 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    TWENTY-THREE DAYS!!!!

    Kit, that is fantastic! You are moving through your quit journey like a freaking champ! I hope you are super proud of this amazing accomplishment. You have battled through some rough days, and not only did you conquer them, you have championed them!

    I watched sooooo much tv in the first month it was ridiculous. And like you, my husband and I usually stick to movies and documentaries, but I needed the distraction and binge watched shows that were so bad, I would turn the tv off if I heard my husband coming downstairs! 

    So, do whatever you have to do … watch tv when you need the distraction (and comfort), and take those amazing walks. Enjoy the freedom each and everyday as a non-smoker! 

    So proud of you!
  22. kit
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    28 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Hi justfortoday
    I really like what you said- so simple and yet so true- enjoy my freedom as a non smoker!
    Also having you say "do what you have to do"  makes me far less anxious about just watching crap tv at night and taking a short walk. Someone ( a co- worker) said you should star jogging and go on a cleanse and join a pilates class etc etc. I walked away after we spoke and felt really angry! Right now with just over 3 weeks as a non smoker the best I can do is get to work come home - make dinner  (maybe a short walk) than crawl into bed. I guess I wanted reassurance that for now that is the best I can do! And some days I can just get to work and back and crawl into bed. Right now making it through another day as a non smoker is the best I can do -right now anyways. Thanks justfortoday. Have a great smoke free day !!
  23. justfortoday
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    28 Nov 2019 in reply to kit
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    Hi kit!

    I get it. There were so many days I just wanted to call in sick to work as the thought of having to brush my hair my hair and finding matching shoes was way too much energy. The only reason I didn't was the thought of staying home and NOT smoking was too scary.

    It's almost like our entire system goes into shock ... which makes sense considering we've now deprived it of its dependency. AND we have to fight every day for our recovery! Who the hell wouldn't be worn out dealing with that!

    You just take care of you and you'll start to notice how capable you are of helping yourself heal. That in itself will give you such energy.

    I started to feel my energy come back at around the four week mark. I'm blown away by how much energy I have some days!

    You have a great day, kit, and keep doing what you're doing cause you're doing it brilliantly!



  24. kit
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    29 Nov 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Hi justfortoday,
    I feel the same way in the mornings. Its so difficult most mornings to just get dressed and brush my teeth and get to work. And the same- I dont call in sick because the thought of being home all day and not smoking is beyond scary. Thats why the weekends are SO DIFFICULT ! My bed feels like the only "safe" place for me right now. I just sit in bed with my lap top and read all the posts on this forum-which seems to calm me ! My husband is starting to complain - why am I always in bed watching crappy tv. He has never been a smoker and I dont think he truly understands the enormity (at least for me) of quitting smoking. It feels like EVERYTHING in my life- every task-from making dinner- going out with friends-having a shower-booking an appointment - everything feels emotionally exhausting ! Even though I still am craving for that one smoke - the more days I have behind me the idea of buying a pack of cigarettes seems insane! 
    Thanks justfortoday- Have a great smoke free day- as will I.
    Kit
  25. kit
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    01 Dec 2019 in reply to justfortoday
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    Day 27- almost a month. Been solo all weekend - family away. I would usually love these weekends when everyone away. Husband -son - not bothering me to quit smoking and me  not hiding in the shed smoking. Usually I would sit on deck and smoke then smoke some more. I never smoked in house but when everyone away for 3 days might of ended up smoking in kitchen. But been able one day at a time to not smoke. Slept a lot- dont crave when  I sleep.
    Feel very LISTLESS-kinda down. Almost a month and seem to be craving a lot ! 
  26. kit
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    01 Dec 2019
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    SUNDAYS ARE HARD ! CRAVING...
  27. quitfriend
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    01 Dec 2019 in reply to kit
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    I hear you. I was struggling today too. It helped me to think of some of the benefits of quitting that I have noticed already. Benefits like I haven’t had to interrupt what I was doing or feel stressed because it was time for a smoke, I’m sure my breathing is better already, and I smell good! What benefits have you noticed?
  28. gomez
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    02 Dec 2019 in reply to kit
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    You got this. I remember taking loads of baths when I first tried to quit. Talking to people too. Today, I'm going to buy a stress ball, I hope that helps.
  29. kit
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    02 Dec 2019 in reply to quitfriend
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    Hi quitfriend-
    Thanks-It really does help to think of the benefits. Here are a few.
    Dont feel winded all the time.
    Skin has a healthier look- found smoking made me always look tired.
    Far less anxiety about when I will quit- will I ever quit etc
    Not having to CONSTANTLY make sure I have a pack of smokes-a lighter etc.
    Dont smell of smoke 24/7
    Saved almost 500 dollars
    My family are relieved- less stress in our home... I could keep going but would run out of space!!
    Thank you !
  30. kit
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    02 Dec 2019 in reply to gomez
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    Thanks Gomez- You are right- I got this !!!
68 posts, 0 answered